My Big Kissmas Present

Well, as some of you may have already learned from someone else’s blog, I got my big Kissmas present from Santa Peter. He actually made a special journey to our home a month early just after Thanksgiving to bring me my present. That way, I would be all ready to be a little drummer boy for Kissmas.

I had been considering new drums for a while and had narrowed it down to a few different brands. Of course, the drums had to be red. Other than that, I wasn’t too picky. And, so it was done. For the 25th anniversary of me getting my first snare drum, I got a brand new 5 piece Ludwig Accent set in "wine" finish with a set of Paiste cymbals and all the hardware for such things.

The reasons for this special Kissmas present? There are a few...

1. THE BUG - For some reason, I really have had the bug for drumming lately. I’m constantly air drumming to release pent up energy. I can’t sit still at times. I’ve become such a fidgety boy. I do believe that I have what Thomas Dolby once described in his song, Hyperactive, as "The Funk." (However, the late James Brown (RIP) would probably beg to differ with a white boy like me.)

2. ANGERMONKEY - This time of year, tensions can run high and people can get on your nerves. Like your boss, co-workers, lovers, boyfriends, families, friends or any of the millions of assholes that only venture out of their homes during the month of December. You can get out all of your angry feelings in a positive, constructive, peaceful manner on a set of drums. I highly recommend it for all the anger twinks of the world. If it doesn’t help with the anger issues, then at least they can try to appear to be butch by sitting behind a set of drums.

3. THE NEW NEIGHBORS BARKING DOG - We have these new mother fuckin’ asshole neighbors who have this new god damn fuckin’ bitch dog. And they are totally inconsiderate neighbors who leave their barking dog out at all times of the day and night. So, it’s nonstop yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap! Of course, this happens right outside of our bedroom windows. We’ve called the police. They don’t want to be bothered with it, and animal control could only suggest a couple of things to try, but didn’t really help much either. I am slowly losing my peace and my sanity. I could go postal and massacre the entire family in a bloody rampage at any second. So, after one night too many of being woken up at 3am (yap, yap, yap, yap, yap) Bubala and I put on “100,000 Years” the from the Kiss Alive album and listened to this really long Peter Criss drum solo and we got down on our knees and prayed. The next morning, there was a new set of drums in boxes there in the house.

4. THE COUNCIL OF CIRCLES - It was really time for the "THE COUNCIL OF CIRCLES" (that’s what I called my drum kit in the 80’s and 90’s) to reconvene in whatever new form it may take and ROCK once again. Bubala wants drum lessons too. Hmmmmmm... Do you think that I should also set up my old drum kit for him, and then we could form a trio and get that dog next door to be the yappy singer front bitch? We could be the next teen craze.


Anyway, Santa Peter just dropped off the boxes. It was up to me to put it all together. I don’t know if you have ever put a set of drums together before, but there is definitely some assembly required. It’s not like a guitar where you can just tune the strings and go. That is part of the fun though. First, you have to unpack the boxes and make sure that all of the necessary parts are there. Once you find all of the pieces, then there is a whole lot of screwing involved. It all seems worth it though when everyone... I mean everything comes together. Then, you can finally get behind the things and just have a great big beat off session.

What If Jesus Was In Kiss?

What if Jesus was one of the guys in Kiss? I bet he would make a great Paul Stanley. I mean can’t you just see Jesus all decked out for Kissmas in his Paul Stanley make-up and platform boots with his outfit open so we could all see his sexy, hairy chest? He would finally be able to look cool and play a guitar rather than just sit up there nailed to that cross all day.

Now, what Kissmas song do you think Jesus would play?

DO YOU LOVE ME?
You really like my limousine
You like the way the wheels roll
You like my seven inch leather heels
And goin' to all of the shows, but
Do you love me, do you love me
Do you love me, really love me

You like the credit cards and private planes
Money can really take you far
You like the hotels and fancy clothes
And the sound of electric guitars, but

Do you love me, do you love me
Do you love me, I mean like do you
Really love me

You really like rock 'n' roll
All of the fame and the masquerade
You like the concerts and studios
And all the money, honey, that I make, but

Do you love me, do you love me
Do you love me, really love me

Your backstage pass and black sunglasses
Make you look just like a queen
Even the fans, they know your face
From all of the magazines, but

Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
Really love me (really love me)
I wanna know

Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
I mean like do you
Really love me (really love me)
I wanna know
Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
Do you love me (do you love me)
I mean like do you
Really love me (really love me)

I want you to (do you love me, do you love me)
I need you to (do you love me, do you love me)
And you know I'm so tired of everybody sayin' it
And you know, (do you love me, do you love me)
I just gotta know if you really really really, really love me
(do you love me, do you love me)
So come on, do you love me (do you love me)
I need you to
Do you love me (do you love me) I want you to
Do you love me (do you love me) I need you
Really love me (do you love me)
I wanna know
Do you love me (do you love me) do you, do you
Do you love me (do you love me)
I just got to have some love (do you love me, do you love me)
I just got to have some love (do you love me)
I just got to have some love, love, love, love, love

Kiss Versus Jesus

	KISS	Jesus
1. Personal	4 Crazy Rockers	1 Religious Icon
2. Clothes	Sparkly Black and Silver Sexy Costumes	Sheets and/or Loin Cloth
3. Footwear	Seven Inch Heel Platform Boots	Sandals
4. Accessories	Guitars and Drumsticks	Crown Of Thorns
5. Mode Of Transport	Tour Buses or Limousines	His Feet, Maybe A Camel
6. Fans	Suburban Rock Dudes and Sleazy Chicks	Lonely Folks With No Friends
7. Musical Tastes	Rock and Roll	Gospel/Contemp.Christian
8. Music Content	Sex and Rock and Roll	Self Glorification
9. Tour Info	Sometimes On Tour In U.S.	Hasn’t Toured In Centuries
10. Amazing Acts	Spitting Blood & Smoking Guitars	Turning Water Into Wine
11. Death Defying Feats	Breathing Fire In Platform Boots	Walking On Water Barefoot
12. Terror Threat	Rock and Roll All Night/Party Every Day	Plans To End The World

Kiss Versus Santa Claus

	KISS	SANTA
1. Personal	4 Crazy Rockers	1 Jolly Fat Elf
2. Clothes	Sparkly Black and Silver Sexy Costumes	XX Large Red Furry Suit
3. Footwear	Seven Inch Heel Platform Boots	Black Snow Boots
4. Accessories	Guitars and Drumsticks	A Mysterious Old Sack
5. Mode Of Transport	Tour Buses or Limousines	Flying Sleigh Pulled By 8 Reindeer
6. Fans	Suburban Rock Dudes and Sleazy Chicks	Children and Reindeers
7. Musical Tastes	Rock and Roll	Jingle Bells
8. Music Content	Sex and Rock and Roll	Jolly Home Invading
9. Tour Info	Sometimes On Tour In U.S.	Tours Only One Night A Year
10. Terror Threat	Rock and Roll All Night/Party Every Day	Be Good Or I Won’t Visit You

Makin' Love

All of these old KISSMAS songs are really getting me into the KISSMAS spirit. I’m ready to put a log on the fire and get myself KISSed if you know what I mean. Now, I know some of you also have that KISSMAS spirit, and you are ready to find some buddy to cuddle up with and wiggle your tongue with when it gets cold outside. (...wild crazy applause...) Unfortunately though, not everyone has the KISSMAS spirit just yet. Now, I don’t know about you but...


I just hate when the dude says wait
I really want him by my side
Don't hesitate
I really want him by my side
The whole night through
We do all the things that we wanna do
Well, come on buddy, don't leave me sad
'Cause you're good lookin', the best I've had
Makin' love (makin' love), makin' love (makin' love)
Makin' love (makin' love) all night long
Makin' love (makin' love), makin' love (makin' love)
Makin' love (makin' love) all night long
Ow, all night long

Red light, green light, don't say "No"
I really want him, he says
"Stop, buddy" go, go, go
I really want him by my side
The whole night through
We do all the things that we wanna do
Well, come on buddy, don't leave me sad
'Cause you're good lookin', the best I've had
Makin' love (makin' love), makin' love (makin' love)
Makin' love (makin' love) all night long
Makin' love (makin' love), makin' love (makin' love)
Makin' love (makin' love) all night

Take Me

Alright! I know you all are out there doing your KISSMAS shopping because at this time of the year, we like to think about others. Right? (...insert wild and crazy applause here...) But, sometimes, when you’re out there at the stores, you might see something that you really want for yourself for KISSMAS. So, I’m here to tell you, don’t you hesitate when whatever you want for KISSMAS pops up and says...


Put your hand in my pocket
Grab onto my rocket
Feels so good to see you receive
Buddy got to know
Do you want to go
How you gonna make me feel

I said "Go buddy, you make me feel ah, ah, ah, ah yeah
Oh, buddy, you make me feel ah, ah, ah, ah yeah"
So take me any way you want me
Just break me any way you can
Take me any way you want me, now
Make me feel like a man, yeah

Sittin' in the back
His head down in my lap
The moonlight shinin' down on his hair
The radio was playin'
His fingertips were strayin'
His boyfriend didn't know he was there, no

He said "Oh buddy, you make me feel ah, ah, ah, ah yeah
Oh, buddy, you make me feel ah, ah, ah, ah yeah"
So take me any way you want me
Just break me any way you can
Take me any way you want me, now
Make me feel like a man
Make me feel it, buddy
Ahh, take me any way you want me

Ah, ah, ah, ah yeah, take me buddy
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Take me, take me, take me, love me
Take me, squeeze me, hug me, any way you can
Take me any way you want me, now
Ah, ah, ah, ah yeah, ah ah ah ah
Take me, whoo, any way you want me
Squeeze me, you can have it any way you can
Take me, hold me buddy, come on, now, come on, now
Ah, ah, ah, ah yeah
Take me

Deuce

Alright. I know your man has been working hard out there for ya. You've hardly seen him. He's been so busy, but you know he's gonna get you a real nice KISSMAS present this year. So, when he finally comes home, there's no debating it. He's worth a deuce.


Get up
And get your fag hag outta here
Pick up
Old man is workin' hard this year
And buddy
Do the things he says to do

Buddy, if you're feeling good
And buddy if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard
He's worth a deuce

Hey man
Don't put your man behind his years
And buddy
Stop cryin' all your tears
Buddy
Do the things he says to do
Do it

Buddy, if you're feeling good
buddy if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard
He's worth a deuce

And buddy, if you're feeling good
Yes buddy if you're feeling nice
You know your man is workin' hard

The True Story Of The Real Holiday

Ah yes, the holidays are upon us once again. Time for all the running around and the spreading of good cheer to our fellow man. With all of the madness at this time of the year, it's so easy to forget the true origin of this joyous holiday occasion. Now, for a long time, the truth about the holidays was never told or always denied, but I am here now to shed some light on the true meaning of this long celebrated tradition.

It seems that some time long ago in a little town called Detroit, there was a young, somewhat rebellious girl named Christine. She was only 16 at the time. She was young and clean until one night when she got really drunk at a party and woke up and didn't know who she was or how many guys had done her during the past evening. After that, she turned into a real black diamond. She told everyone that her name was Beth, and she wandered around everywhere, looking off into space searching for a star and telling everyone that cats were not bats. She also kept on eating an awful lot and growing larger and larger until one cold, early winter night, she collapsed behind a shopping mall.

Beth went into a hallucinary state, screaming that she could finally see the star and that it was brighter than she had ever imagined. Then, all at once, it happened; a violent, sweet pain ripped at her from inside her woo woo. She spread her legs and shrieked in agony. The first thing that popped out of her muff pie was a leather platform boot with a seven inch leather heel. Shortly after that, out came a rather androgynous looking man wearing a tight fitting, sparkly outfit and carrying a guitar. He had a white, painted face and a black star over his left eye. The next thing that worked it's way out of Beth's birth canal of love was a demon wearing armor, carrying a bass guitar, breathing fire and spitting blood. Next up came a cat carrying drumsticks. It clawed it's way down Beth's gaping hallway of life. Beth gave off another blood-curdling scream and stared at the sky while waiting for the last thing to drift down out of her orbital porthole gateway. It was a space man complete with shiny silver Moon boots and a smoking lead guitar.


Beth looked down at her bubblegum puss. "Oh, I love my new children. Let me give you all a big hug and KISS." Then, the four creatures of the night that had came from within started playing their instruments and this giant lit-up sign that said KISS came down from the sky behind them and explosions went off and everyone from miles around came in to greet the new prophets that were sent us to save us from that other drab holiday. KISS played all night and the next day they all partied all day while KISSing and makin' love. Afterwards, everyone went off to shout it out loud about these new Messiahs and the holiday that they brought forth unto our world. We wanted the best and we got the best. The hottest holiday in the world, "KISSMAS."

And, that is why at this time of year we decorate our homes with bright lights and KISSMAS decorations. We go to KISSMAS parties where we listen to our favorite KISSMAS songs and rock and roll while we get excited and prepare for that great night of December 24th. That is when all of the boys and girls and moms and dads and grandmothers and grandfathers paint their faces up like their favorite member of KISS and go to bed leaving their platform boots out on the front porch for Santa Peter, Santa Paul, Santa Gene, or Santa Ace to pay them a visit and fill their boots with all the latest and greatest in KISS merchandise. Then, on KISSMAS day, we all are allowed to let go and rock and roll until it gets hotter than hell and we have to call the firehouse.

So, this year, if you are really tired of that same old boring holiday with all it's same old bright lights and shiny things, it's same old over-saturated mass-marketed merchandise, it's same old commercial corporate corruption, then try this holiday out for a change. The music is way better for this holiday. There is none of that silent night, holy night crap on this holiday. On KISSMAS, we rock and roll all night and party everyday.