The True Story Of The Real Holiday

Ah yes, the holidays are upon us once again. Time for all the running around and the spreading of good cheer to our fellow man. With all of the madness at this time of the year, it's so easy to forget the true origin of this joyous holiday occasion. Now, for a long time, the truth about the holidays was never told or always denied, but I am here now to shed some light on the true meaning of this long celebrated tradition.

It seems that some time long ago in a little town called Detroit, there was a young, somewhat rebellious girl named Christine. She was only 16 at the time. She was young and clean until one night when she got really drunk at a party and woke up and didn't know who she was or how many guys had done her during the past evening. After that, she turned into a real black diamond. She told everyone that her name was Beth, and she wandered around everywhere, looking off into space searching for a star and telling everyone that cats were not bats. She also kept on eating an awful lot and growing larger and larger until one cold, early winter night, she collapsed behind a shopping mall.

Beth went into a hallucinary state, screaming that she could finally see the star and that it was brighter than she had ever imagined. Then, all at once, it happened; a violent, sweet pain ripped at her from inside her woo woo. She spread her legs and shrieked in agony. The first thing that popped out of her muff pie was a leather platform boot with a seven inch leather heel. Shortly after that, out came a rather androgynous looking man wearing a tight fitting, sparkly outfit and carrying a guitar. He had a white, painted face and a black star over his left eye. The next thing that worked it's way out of Beth's birth canal of love was a demon wearing armor, carrying a bass guitar, breathing fire and spitting blood. Next up came a cat carrying drumsticks. It clawed it's way down Beth's gaping hallway of life. Beth gave off another blood-curdling scream and stared at the sky while waiting for the last thing to drift down out of her orbital porthole gateway. It was a space man complete with shiny silver Moon boots and a smoking lead guitar.


Beth looked down at her bubblegum puss. "Oh, I love my new children. Let me give you all a big hug and KISS." Then, the four creatures of the night that had came from within started playing their instruments and this giant lit-up sign that said KISS came down from the sky behind them and explosions went off and everyone from miles around came in to greet the new prophets that were sent us to save us from that other drab holiday. KISS played all night and the next day they all partied all day while KISSing and makin' love. Afterwards, everyone went off to shout it out loud about these new Messiahs and the holiday that they brought forth unto our world. We wanted the best and we got the best. The hottest holiday in the world, "KISSMAS."

And, that is why at this time of year we decorate our homes with bright lights and KISSMAS decorations. We go to KISSMAS parties where we listen to our favorite KISSMAS songs and rock and roll while we get excited and prepare for that great night of December 24th. That is when all of the boys and girls and moms and dads and grandmothers and grandfathers paint their faces up like their favorite member of KISS and go to bed leaving their platform boots out on the front porch for Santa Peter, Santa Paul, Santa Gene, or Santa Ace to pay them a visit and fill their boots with all the latest and greatest in KISS merchandise. Then, on KISSMAS day, we all are allowed to let go and rock and roll until it gets hotter than hell and we have to call the firehouse.

So, this year, if you are really tired of that same old boring holiday with all it's same old bright lights and shiny things, it's same old over-saturated mass-marketed merchandise, it's same old commercial corporate corruption, then try this holiday out for a change. The music is way better for this holiday. There is none of that silent night, holy night crap on this holiday. On KISSMAS, we rock and roll all night and party everyday.